I found this entry, written April 13th today while updating the blog. I forgot I'd written it, but remember clearly how irritating this particular morning was. It passed and if I recall, the afternoon was better. Still, a clear reminder that somedays this motherhood job is the hardest and most frustrating one I've ever had.
When my children act up, embarrass me, terrorize a public place, or terrorize an upscale photography studio, that does not mean I am a bad mother, or a bad person. It simply means my children are choosing, for whatever reason, to ruin my day. And on a psychological level I'm sure they aren't trying to ruin my day, I'm sure they have a need that's not being met; They are bored, or have had too much sugar. ( Where is that book on Preschool
logic emotions I bought?.......)Regardless, as a new parent I used to associate my worth as a mother in how well my child slept, or ate, or behaved in the grocery store. As a more mature, yet still sprouting mother, I have learned to view the tantrums and the misbehaving as cues to hone in on what's really going on in their hearts. My first reaction is still, "What am I doing wrong? Or I'm the worst mother in the world--some days--" But after a deep breath I remind myself that my child's actions don't make me a bad mom, it's what I do about those actions that speaks volumes.
I hadn't taken Audrey to this particular photography studio in years, and Allie had never been. I think this photographer does great work. We went to participate in the same promotion Audrey had done when she was 6 months. I'm a sucker for frilly outfits. I was hoping for some good pictures. And I got them. On the photo shoot day the girls did pretty well, until it was obvious by Audrey's immediate burst of energy that compelled her to run amuck in the studio that they were done. And Allie's need to compulsively pull the angelic halo off her head.
Today we went back to view and purchase the pictures. ( I did try to get a sitter.) We sat in the dark room and I nearly cried as I watched the slideshow. They were beautiful. My two little angels. And then Allie started squirming to get off my lap. And that started another half hour of "no's" and "stop" and "I told you to stop!" Ugh. Ironic they were acting the opposite of angelic while I was trying to decide which pose to purchase from their Angels photo shoot. Here are some of the things my children did today to raise my blood pressure:
in finding the fruit snacks in my bag the girls faught over them. When I held out the last one for Allie--to get her out of something else, as she was coming toward me Audrey reached over and ate it, right out from her! She has never displayed that kind of selfishness before.
They were rotten to the very core. I brought them a coloring book and crayons. Audrey woulnd't share so Allie took her crayons and colored over the pricing lists, bound so beautifully on the table. And then she colored all over the table.
The studio then offered Allie some snack crackers and Audrey just couodln't leave them alone. She snuck that little bag away when I was trying to look at pictures and ate half the bag.
Audrey was all over the room, running and jumping on the couch, knocking Allie over and opening the door to the studio, even after the employee told her not to. Audrey laughed as she ran through the door, her little sister in tow. She did it again, after being told not to. It was obvious they were bored and the pancakes they ate before they came were kicking in.
I left after hurridly placing an order. And trying to hold on to a sliver of dignity.
Sarah
