It's been two years

I thought for weeks what I would write today. And the words never came to me. Then I thought I'd just post a poem, but none of them fit and just made me cry. I tried writing a poem. And got stuck. I wanted to acknowledge this day somehow.

Two years ago today we were told my pregnancy had aborted. I'd had a miscarriage. Our family of four went back to a family of three. We were devastated, heartbroken and numb.

I remember the prayer I prayed that day sitting in the dark sonogram room, waiting for the tech. "Dear God, give me the strength to deal with whatever happens next."

I can honestly say through the shock, through the sobbing tears, through the decisions that came next, I felt peace. Even today, as I remember our baby we never got to meet, I am comforted and dare I say, healed. I cry on this day, because I am human and I can't forget the details of that day. But as I wipe away tears, I smile because I hear innocent laughter from the other room, and giggles as my two little girls play together.

Eight weeks after the miscarriage our hearts were filled with joy and bewilderment when the results of a pregnancy test was positive. You have to understand that to this day (and Allie is 13 months) we wonder how that happened. Logistically it just didn't make sense. We had really wanted to have a baby in 2009 and after the miscarriage we discarded it, thinking it was too late. But God's timing is perfect. In December of that year, three months after we thought we'd have a baby, Allie was born.

It's been two years. I was sad that God wanted our baby back so soon but He got us through that day.  And the next.  And the weeks that followed. 

My prayer today went a little something like this "Thank you so much for Allie. For her warm smile, her willingness to be snuggled and her gentle spirit. Thank you for the opportunity to be a mother to two beautiful, healthy girls. Please watch over us today as we travel and send your angels to protect us. Thank you for this day and even though my heart is sad, give me the strength to not buy a bag of M&M's at the store. "

Sarah